Do I Need Someone to Love Me?
Before we start, we are constantly learning about ourselves. So promise me, NOT to criticise yourself for action you have taken in your past without the resources you are learning today.
Why did we get married? Or why are we in a relationship? What is the purpose? What was/are your expectations of that other person? What are they to bring to this relationship in order for you to love them? Make a list of the top expectations now? Stop and write them down…
In my marriage, for me to feel love, I ‘needed’ my x-husband to provide me with:
1. Security- something I felt missing growing up in a divorced family.
2. Attention- I needed to know that he wanted to be with me.
3. Family- I needed children to complete my idea of love
4. Respect- I needed him to respect me.
5. Reassurance- I needed to hear I love you and everything was going to be OK.
In reflection, I believe both my x-husband and I had a similar list. So how did it all go so wrong?
Sometimes we get confused over why we are married in the first place. We come to a marriage or a relationship with our list of expectations, needs and desires and we expect our partner to fulfil those things. When they don’t, we let it cause frustration and friction.
Let’s review The Model Triangle:
Our thoughts, create our feelings, which create our actions, which create our results. The only way it is possible for us to feel emotions is with our thinking. It does not matter what anyone says or doesn’t say to us, what anyone does or doesn’t to us, what’s happening or not happening in the world-nothing happens unless our brain is consciously thinking.
So what does this mean?
If you aren’t feeling loving, it’s because of what you’ve been thinking. If you are feeling loving it’s because of what you are thinking, not because of what they’re doing. Other people’s actions, including our partners, do not dictate our emotions.
I see you all frowning at your computers or iPhone. “No Ray, my partner hurt my feelings by …..” I get it, I thought my X hurt my feelings too. I chose to think thoughts that hurt myself. Remember, it’s not what happens to us, it’s the meaning you give it. I honestly believe my X was hurting so much inside himself that he acted out of impulsion with no regard to his emotional rampage. It was never about me, it was about him. At the time, I made it all about me. I did not have the resources I have today.
When you experience the emotion of love, you will act in a loving way. That’s fun – fun for your husband/partner and fun for you. You get to appreciate your own behaviour. You get to appreciate your own feeling of love, and you can do it for YOUR sake.
So what’s the point of having a husband/partner?
Just an object for you to love, an object of your affection. Remember, affection is an emotion, therefore you create it. Love is an emotion, therefore you create it. Compassion is an emotion, therefore, you create it.You are responsible for how you think and feel. You are responsible for how you feel and behave/act. You are NOT responsible for your husband/partner’s thoughts and behaviours. You ARE responsible for how you interpret his behaviour. You ARE responsible for the meaning you give his behaviour. You ARE responsible for what you focus on, and how you show up based on how you’re feeling.
As soon as you blame someone else for how you are feeling, you lose all of your emotional adulthood, and you lose all of your own power. This is when you start acting in a way you’re not proud of, and then your relationship deteriorates. If you decided you will love that person in your life, no matter what, you will have so much more power. You will have more personal growth then you have ever imagined.
It doesn’t mean you stay, I didn’t. But you don’t leave in order to get out of the pain because there’s nowhere to go. You can change your hair, move house, change your job and go on holidays, but the pain follows you. The pain is inside of you. It’s in your brain. You can’t run away from it or leave it at your old house. You bring it with you. You don’t leave pain in your old relationship either. You bring it with you because you bring your brain with you.
Today with all my new resources I have a new and much shorter list for my partner. His job is to live his life the exact way he wants to live it and let me love him on purpose. Isn’t that what we all want to be told? Isn’t that what we all want to be part of?
Did I act this way in the beginning on our relationship? Hell no! Am I still learning and adjusting? Absolutely! Did I try to change him to fit the mould I chose to think I needed him to be? Yes, a lot. So what do I think and feel now? I choose to think that Chris is travelling his life path with his own boxes to tick. I am travelling my path with my boxes to tick. Some boxes are the same and that is great. Some boxes are totally different and that is great too.
This I do know to be true.
“The world is your mirror. People in your life are perfect mirrors of you. This affords you the opportunity to grow and change.” Louise. L. Hay
So I guess, my job is to love and respect myself first. Give myself the attention I need. Find security within the person I am becoming and with that comes self-reassurance. I am family. I have created my own family through community in my studio as well as my children.
So the real secret to all lasting and wonderful relationships is that you allow that other person to be who they are, and you can spend your time appreciating and loving them for exactly that.